Wanted: Roommate
by The Cowgirl Bookworm
Summary: Must not mind night owls, literal owls, and chemicals in the refrigerator. When living with a riddle-obsessed man, an umbrella collecting fiend, and a biochemical scientist who seems far to interested in her nightmares, it isn't what will go right for Lynn Matthews. It's what won't. Features the Riddler, Oswald, and Jonathan Crane imported from Batman Begins.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: So, this is probably going to be a kind of cracky fic that ****gets updated every once in awhile. It mainly arose from a post on tumblr, the speculated about having Nygma, Oswald, and Scarecrow as roommates. I thought it would be funny if they got a fresh out of college student who has absolutely no idea what's been going on in Gotham and is quite content to stay that way, thank you very much.**

**Thanks to the lovely SpikeDraft for encouraging me to write this.**

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She should have known something would be off about this place. It was all too good, straight from the start. A nice five story brownstone, three guys looking for another person to help with the rent, and it was just down the street from the museum where she was working. Plus she was out of the dorms in a week, and she needed a place to stay. So, Lynn Matthews, possessor of a shiny new Masters in History thanks to Gotham University, climbed the steps and rung the bell.

The guy who opened it was dressed in an impeccable suit, almost punk hair slicked down over his forehead. He had a fine boned look to him, more delicate than rugged. It frankly worked for him. "Miss Matthews?"

"Yeah, you must be Oswald. Right?" She stuck out her hand, feeling like an idiot for a minute. Of course he had to be gorgeous, she should have figured that out from the brief phone conversation she'd had with him to set up the meeting.

"Oh, y-yes." He stammered, pumping her hand up and down. "Come in, I'll show you the room." He quickly ushered her in, the door closing behind him. Lynn's hand clenched around her purse. She'd lived in Gotham for awhile, but being alone except for someone she just met always made her jumpy. But Oswald seemed to be fine, gesturing for her to follow him up the spiral staircase. "There's four floors of rooms. They're not very big, but you'd get a whole floor to yourself. Edward's usually out working late, so he's on the first so he doesn't wake us up, and Jonathan is on the second. He's usually not around. I've got the fourth, and the fifth would be yours. It's a little drafty so no one's been keen on it."

"Wow, a whole floor." Lynn nodded her appreciation. Oswald walked past the fourth floor, then reached out and ripped a post-it from his door. She couldn't make out exactly what was on it, but it looked like a drawing of a penguin. He quickly ripped it in half and shoved it down into his pocket. At the fifth floor, he opened the door. Her possible floor was already furnished, which was great because she only owned a suitcase and a few cardboard boxes. A huge bay of windows overlooked a nearby park, a little terrace outside. Not enough to put a table and chairs on, but there was a little planter to grow something. She could see a bathroom, and there were a few chairs and a desk scattered around.

Oswald walked past her into the room. "Like I said, it gets cold but other than that it's fine. The rent's five hundred a month, plus utilities."

"That's pretty low for this part of town."

"I made the owner a very good offer." He smiled, and Lynn almost gulped. In Gotham a very good offer could mean a few million dollars or the promise of a knife in the back. She wasn't going to ask which one.

Lynn looked at the bare bed, and then took in the whole room. "I'll take it."

"Congratulations, I hope you'll be happy." Oswald shook her hand again, then led her downstairs to sign some papers on the kitchen table. she tried to read through them as best as she could, but she wasn't fluent in legalese. She was pretty sure she didn't sign away her soul, and the agreement mainly consisted of not damaging the building or bring large parties around. After she finished signing, it was quickly snatched away into a leather portfolio. Oswald smiled again. "You'll be in by next week?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I get out of my old place on Friday." Her fingers combed through her slightly curly black hair, a nervous habit.

"I'll make sure one of the others is around to help you in."

"Thanks."

He walked her to the door, then quickly grasped her hand. He actually kissed it, like something you'd see in an old black and white movie. "I'm sure we'll become quite good friends."

Considering that the extent of male contact she had in her life was mainly restricted to her father and brothers, Lynn was surprised she was still breathing. She slowly pulled her hand back, she could feel her cheeks burning. She made some comment, then took off back to the dorms. Great, she'd just made herself a fool in front of this guy. Why did good looks and manners disarm her like that?

All she could do was pray that the other two were at least a little lower on the attractiveness scale.

Of course, life hated her so they weren't.


	2. Chapter 2

Lynn carried three boxes stacked on top of each other and was shuffling another two along the ground with a foot. The whole point was, her world consisted of nothing but cardboard at this point so she couldn't really see the guy in front of her until he lifted two of the boxes in front of her face. She cut her eyes up, "Hey!"

The guy peeked out at her from behind thick lensed glasses. He was actually pretty cute, in a rather nerdy way. "You're Lynn, right? Oswald said you were coming today."

"Are you Ed or John?"

"Edward Nygma, and let me get the door." He replied, opening the door and moving inside while Lynn threw her box after him. She could hear a muffled thud as it landed, but she was too focused on lifting the last two boxes to even care. All it held was Gotham University T-shirts, hopefully to go into a quilt. Edward had shunted the two boxes to the side of the door, apparently content to let her schlep them up the five flights of stairs.

Bastard.

Eventually all the boxes made it up, and she flopped down onto the mattress. Seriously, fuck her life right now. It had to be an hour before she had everything put away to her specifications and she made her way back downstairs. The kitchen seemed to be fairly well stocked, if a little heavy on the fish side. That and a twenty pound bag of coffee, and a coffee machine that seemed to be under almost constant use. An array of coffee cups were beside it, most of them bearing question marks or complex calculus equations.

Oswald was actually in the kitchen, making a sandwich. Lynn walked up and sat down in one of the dining chairs. She smiled at Oswald. "Well, everything's in. How have you been since I saw you last?"

"Well enough, I do hope you will forgive Edward."

"Forgive Edward for what?" Said Edward had just walked in.

"You left the poor woman to take her belongings up five stories by herself."

"She handled it."

At that Oswald reached over, grabbed one of the question mark mugs, and deliberately dropped it the floor. Lynn couldn't help a little jump as it shattered, ceramic flying everywhere. "Perhaps you'll think differently next time, my curious friend."

Edward seemed to be trying to find something to say. "The man who makes it doesn't want it. The man who wants it doesn't use it. The man who's using it doesn't know he is using it. What is it?"

Lynn snorted. "A coffin."

"Which is where'll you'll be, Cobblepot, if you break one more of my mugs!" Edward seemed all together too angry, and quickly stormed up the stairs.

Oswald brought his sandwich over. "How did you know that so quickly?"

"I got locked in a bathroom at a party with nothing but a book of riddles. Took five hours to get out, and I couldn't exactly forget them."

"Five hours?"

"Someone finally threw a beer through the window and I managed to get out. I had tried it earlier but it was stuck, after the beer came through all I had to was punch out the rest of the glass."

Oswald quickly ate half the sandwich, "Seems to be a very interesting experience." They heard the door slam, a young black haired man making his way into the kitchen. He slumped, bright blue eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses and some unkempt hair. He paid them no mind, instead moving for the much maligned coffee machine. He took a calculus mug, filled it full, and then slouched upstairs. Lynn stared after him.

"You'll get used to Jonathan."


End file.
